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Who’s in Your Big 5?

Who’s in Your Big 5?

Feeling stuck for support? Unsure of what kind of support to ask for or how to ask? We get it. It’s hard to reach out for help and even harder to communicate the type of support you might be looking for at any given time.

There are five major types of support: inspirational, practical, emotional, companionship, and problem-solving. Depending on what’s going on in your life you may need more of one than another but all are going to be needed at some point or another.

The Big 5

1. Inspirational

  • Who they are: This is the person who’s able to inspire you whenever you’re feeling discouraged or unmotivated. They can remind you of the reasons behind your goals when you’re feeling down. This person truly believes in you and your abilities to accomplish what you’re working towards.

  • Traits: Encouraging, motivating, positive, optimistic

  • Things you won’t hear:You can’t do that” “Oh come on, be realistic” “What did you expect?” “You always quit on things” “Just give up, it’s not worth it”

  • Things you want to hear: “That’s awesome, you’re going to do great!” “That’s exciting, please let me know how I can help” “I know you can do it” “Just keep trying, you’ll figure it out”

  • Why you need this person: Internal motivation isn’t constant, it comes and goes. As a result, we all have those times when we feel discouraged and want to give up. Having someone that believes in us and can remind us of our motivation can help us to accomplish great things.

  • Useful tip: Often the way in which the inspiring messages are communicated is just as important as what is said. Think about what truly motivates you as an individual. Do you prefer the boot camp drill sergeant or the positive cheerleader? Not all people respond to the same style of inspirational support, it’s important to figure out what works for you.

2. Practical:

  • Who they are: This is the person who can help in those practical everyday ways. This person can help you move, pick you up from the airport, or bring over soup when you’re sick in the middle of a snow storm.

  • Traits: Reliable, Skillful, Dependable, Resourceful

  • Things you won’t hear: “Oh no I totally forgot” “Sorry I have to bail last minute” “You’re on your own”

  • Things you want to hear: “I can help with that” “I’ll be there”  “You can count on me” “I’m ready, what do you need?”

  • Why you need this person: Even the most independent of people need help from others at times. Having someone you can count on to be there makes certain experiences go a lot easier.

  • Useful tip: It’s important to remember that there can be many different types of practical support often linked to the person’s resources and skills. E.g. Someone who’s able to help fix your computer may not be the same person to watch your kids for the weekend.

3. Emotional

  • Who they are: This is the person who’s able to listen to how you are feeling without immediately trying to change or stop you from feeling that way. They’re good listeners and you know you can talk openly without being silenced, rushed, made to feel guilty, or that your feelings don’t matter.

  • Traits: Understanding, accepting, non-judgemental, and patient.

  • Things you won’t hear: “Ugh, don’t be angry/sad/etc.” “Just cheer up” “Get over it”

  • Things you want to hear: “That sucks” “I’m really sorry that happened to you” “You didn’t deserve that” “I’m not sure what to say right now, I’m just really glad you told me”

  • Why you need this person: Whenever you are experiencing intense emotions it is helpful to have them validated by someone else. This helps you to feel connected and understood.

  • Useful tip: Often conflict can occur when we are seeking emotional support but the other person assumes we need “Problem Solving” support. This can be frustrating for both involved and it’s therefore important to clarify that we don’t want someone to solve our problems but rather just offer understanding.

4. Companionship

  • Who they are: This is someone you’re able to have fun with. You have shared interests and enjoy each other’s company.

  • Traits: Fun, Entertaining, Enjoyable, Relaxing

  • Things you won’t hear: “No that’s boring, let’s not do that”, “I just really don’t like any of the things you want to do”

  • Things you want to hear: “Hey let’s go out this weekend!” “Want me to come over? We can hang out and watch a movie”

  • Why you need this person: It’s important to take time to relax and have fun with others. Finding the people who have shared interests will allow you to make the most of your time and enjoy yourself.

  • Useful tip: It can be difficult or intimidating to find ways to make new friends. Think of an activity you enjoy doing and find out if there is a club, team, or group where you can meet others who also enjoy that activity. If there isn’t a group yet, consider creating one yourself!

5. Problem-solving

  • Who they are: This is the person who can help when you’re stuck and not sure what to do. They offer useful advice and feedback on how to make improvements in your life. They often help you to discover solutions you may otherwise not have been able to think of on your own. Often coming from their own experience, they take the time to understand what’s going on and offer ideas that are useful to your specific situation.

  • Traits: Creative, Knowledgeable, Experienced, Wise

  • Things you won’t hear: “Oh wow, I have no clue what you should do” “How would I know? Looks like you’re stuck”

  • Things you want to hear: “I went through something similar, here’s what worked for me” “I wonder if you could try doing this…” “If we break it down to smaller steps, I think you can start by…”

  • Why you need this person: When experiencing a stressful situation, our own ability to be creative and resourceful can decrease. Talking to someone else can help realize alternative solutions.

  • Useful tip: The most useful advice is offered after the person has a full understanding of your situation, which includes hearing what you’ve already tried or considered and why previous attempts haven’t worked out. Only then, will they be able to offer suggestions that you haven’t tried yet, leading to a less frustrating experience for you both.

 

Helpful Things to Remember

  • Often people have the desire to be helpful but not always the ability. In order to qualify as a support, one must be both willing and able to offer that support. Recognizing and accepting this fact can prevent a lot of frustration and disappointment.

  • Getting the wrong type of support can feel rejecting and upsetting. For example your brother may be terrible at offering emotional support but don’t discount the practical support he can provide. Realizing that he’s the person you can count on to review your resume will therefore be far more useful than expecting him to have something helpful to say after going through a major breakup.

  • In addition to close friends and family, don’t forget about the support from the professionals. A therapist, a financial advisor, an interior designer, or even an uber driver can all offer valuable support!

  • People can learn new skills all the time. Before you assume that someone can’t offer a particular type of support just because they haven’t in the past, take the time to talk to them about it. It’s possible that they’ve been trying to be supportive but don’t yet know the right way to support you as an individual. For example, some people find it helpful to be reminded of the silver lining in a bad situation while others find it discounts their experience. Learn specifically what you need in each type of support and try to teach others how they can help you best.

Magical Unicorns 🦄

There are some people in our lives who are able to offer all five types of support. If you have such a person in your life, consider yourself lucky! I call these the magical unicorns. While it’s great to have a unicorn or two, it’s even better when we have multiple people in each category. Why is that? Sometimes the unicorn is unavailable. Other times the unicorn may also be going through a rough time (midterms, the birth of a child, or a life transition such as moving is a perfect examples of this) or maybe you’re in an argument with the unicorn and right now he or she is the last person you want to have help you. For these reasons it’s always beneficial to have multiple people in each category.

Simply put it’s best to not have all your eggs in one basket (or depend on only one magical unicorn). 

At no point is this strategy more important than when you are going through an especially difficult time. When facing an increase in stress or personal crisis we tend to need even more social support than usual. By having multiple people in each category who can help you, you’ll be able to avoid feeling like you are being a burden to one specific person.

This fear of burdening a friend or family member is often one of the biggest hurdles we have that keeps us from asking for help. By remembering that you have multiple supports you can prevent feeling like you’re overwhelming one person.

How to ask for support

  1. Figure out what type of support you need
  2. Refer to your list of people who can offer that type of support
  3. Consider the specific situation and who might be most useful/helpful from that group
  4. If you don’t have anyone in that category, consider reaching out to a professional
  5. When talking to the person, first check if they are able to offer support right now
  6. Then, communicate clearly what type of support you need (see helpful phrases to use when asking for support)
  7. Remember to thank the person. We all like to know when we’ve helped!

Concrete Examples

  • “I’ve had an awful day, are you feeling up to hearing me vent for a bit?”

  • “I don’t need any advice right now, just someone to listen to me and tell me they understand, can you do that for me? (Or) I’m really needing some advice right now, what do you think I should do?”

  • “I have something I really need to talk about (Or) I really don’t feel like talking right now, can we just hang out and talk about something else?”

  • “I just need a shoulder to cry on right now.”

  • “I feel like giving up, can you please remind me why I wanted to try this?”

  • “Something upsetting happened to me earlier today and I need someone to reassure me that I’m doing the right thing. Can you do that for me?”

  • “I’m needing a break, let’s plan something fun to do tonight!”

  • “It would mean a lot to me if you could ________ (teach me that new recipe/take my dog out for a walk/watch me rehearse my presentation/drive me to my doctor’s appointment)”

  • “I feel stuck, I’ve tried these three things but now I’m not sure what else I could try. Any suggestions would be really appreciated.”

 

If you feel stuck, or need additional support in practicing asking for help, our therapists can be of support in navigating difficult situations.

Dealing with a Break-Up During the Holidays

Dealing with a Break-Up During the Holidays

Returning home for the holidays can be difficult to stomach under normal circumstances. When you add a break up to the recipe, you’ve got something harder to swallow than even the driest of turkeys. 

“Turkey Dump”

With Thanksgiving coming up, I’m reminded of the phenomenon referred to (so unsympathetically) as the Turkey Dump. If you’re unfamiliar, this is when college and university students who live away from home return for Thanksgiving and promptly break up with their significant others. According to data collected in 2009 from Facebook status updates (by data journalist David McCandless and design technologist Lee Byron), it isn’t just a myth. Indeed, they noticed break-up rates began to increase around Thanksgiving and peaked about 2 weeks before the winter holidays and they saw a spike again during spring break.

Curious about why it happens? Some speculate it’s because the holidays present a whole new set of expectations in a relationship that can feel all too “real” (e.g. meeting the family and friends); others postulate it’s because the holidays turn attention to the opportunities and options up ahead.

Getting Through It

If you’re among the heartbroken you probably don’t much care why it happens, so let’s turn to the important stuff. Here’s what to do if you find yourself in splitsville for the holidays:

  1. Remember that holidays can be spent with family and/or friends. Take this opportunity to foster the other valuable relationships you have in your life.
  2. Have a prepared response for those who ask about your relationship status. Know that you don’t owe anyone details about what happened.
  3. Try to meet new people at a holiday party or out with friends.
  4. Let yourself be distracted by the holiday festivities and events.
  5. Take a trip if you can⁠—near or far⁠—and get lost for the holidays.

It can really suck to have a relationship end during the holidays, but having a few days off can be a blessing. Use it to take some time to yourself and, if you’re able, be with those that you love. 

Struggling with the process? Here are some other tips that can help you keep it classy through a break-up. 

6 Tips For Asking For What You Need

6 Tips For Asking For What You Need

I don’t know about you, but the thought of asking others for what I need is extremely challenging. I pride myself on being independent and self-reliant, but I’ve come to realize that a necessary part of that is being able to ask others for what I need from them.

Try to imagine this scenario:

You’re on a date with someone you really like. You’ve been dating for a while and you’d like the relationship to be exclusive. You’re not sure if the other person shares your feelings. You’ve done some reflecting and it’s very important to you, so you decide it’s time to share your feelings and have a talk about exclusivity.

This talk involves asking for something you need, in this case, exclusivity in the relationship. What’s so scary about that?

In my own case, I fear that I might be rejected.

So, how do I ask for what I need despite my fears? Below is a list of things that help me prepare. Give them a try.

1. Check in with yourself 

Ask yourself, “How am I feeling about this conversation? Do I know what I want out of it?”

2. Map it out

Lay the key points you want to address out for yourself.

3. Imagine how the conversation will go

Consider other perspectives– try checking in with a trusted friend or family member and get their feedback.

4. Take a deep breath before going in for this talk

When you’re anxious your brain forgets to think and your body goes into survivor mode. Help your body and brain calm down by taking a few deep breaths. Some mindfulness practice would also be super helpful here.

5. Ask for what you need

Describe the situation and tell the person what you need (you can say something like “we’ve been seeing each other for a while now and I’m really starting to like you. I want to know where this is going. Do you see this becoming a long term relationship?”)

6. Acknowledge yourself

At this point, no matter what happens, remind yourself how brave you were to ask for what you need.

 

Remember, if we don’t ask for what we need, we won’t ever receive it. However, the other side of that means we also need to accept that it’s the other person’s right to say no. Whatever happens, at least we have the answers we need.

As always, you’ve got this!

How to Make New Friends

How to Make New Friends

Unlike our family, we can choose our friends. So in a way, friends are our “chosen family”. It’s important that we choose wisely and surround ourselves with supporting and loving people. Happy International Friendship Day!

Are you finding yourself lonely during your summer away from campus? Look no further!

Here are the top 3 places to check out to meet new peeps!

1. Meetup.com

This is a great website to meet people who share similar interests to you. Sign up on the website, choose the categories that interest you, i.e. sports, nature, movies, etc., and then get out there!

2. Bumble BFF

Yes, you read that correctly. Bumble⁠—best known for its dating app⁠—also has an app to meet your future bestie. Add a few photos of you in your element, write a brief bio and then start swiping!

4. Eventbrite

You’ve probably bought tickets on Eventbrite before (maybe even for a Shift event!) but did you know it’s also considered the “new” meetup.com. Perfectly Search by date, location, cost and category to find the perfect event to mingle with like-minded folks.

How to Face Your Parents

How to Face Your Parents

I recently made a surprise trip to see my parents in Michigan for my Mom’s birthday. Before I committed to it, I had to check in with myself about the decision because, while my relationship with my parents has always been complex, this year the struggle has been especially real. I had to hold both of them accountable for some tough and painful stuff. There was heartbreak on both sides. I stepped away and took time to process it all before I reconnected with them. 

I’ve made a concerted effort in my relationships with both of them to show up out of a desire to connect instead of out of obligation or any narrative of what daughters are “supposed” to do. After checking in with myself and deciding that visiting them felt right for me, I hopped in the car and made my way. It wasn’t a long visit but at one point, as I was walking out to the car from their home, I caught a glimpse of a chalkboard hanging on the wall. On the chalkboard was a long list to track donations my parents had recently made: Ocean Conservancy, Planned Parenthood, The Audubon Society, Doctors Without Borders, the ACLU, and more.

As soon as it caught my eye, a feeling of warmth spread through my body and sank into my bones. It was a beautiful reminder of one of the things my parents have done remarkably well: they seamlessly and effortlessly imparted to my siblings and me what an absolutely non-negotiable responsibility we have as citizens of this earth to give back in some capacity. 

Parenting is the hardest job on the planet on a good day. The caregiver-child relationship is unique and lays the groundwork for every person’s future intimate attachments. Parenthood often brings up our parents’ own childhood trauma and difficult experiences. The work of a lifetime comes in understanding our parents as people versus our parents as caregivers. We are allowed to say that our parents are good people but were inadequate caregivers. It’s okay to say that the parents we got were not the parents we needed. It’s okay to love them in spite of it or to distance ourselves because of it. 

My parents had a tough time as caregivers. But I can tell you as humans, they remain two of the kindest, sweetest people I’ve ever known. They wove kindness and generosity into the fabric of our family so effortlessly that I barely noticed until I reached a place where I could look back and see it in completion. It was as if, all of a sudden, a beautiful tapestry appeared out of thin air. 

The list of donations on the wall was a beautiful reminder of one of the things about my parents that I’m grateful for. But I was only able to get there because I gave myself the time, space and permission to heal and rage by any means necessary. 

We get so many social messages that say we need to love and support our family unconditionally and I’m here to tell you otherwise. Everyone has a different process and comfort level but if you are struggling with guilt because you don’t want to be around your family or talk to them, I want to reassure you that it is okay. It’s okay to prioritize your healing over your family members’ feelings. It’s okay to feel how you feel in its fullness. Maybe you’ll get to gratitude, maybe you won’t. But you can’t skip over the hurt and the pain on the road to healing. 

If you do find it comfortable to feel gratitude for your parents, don’t use it to rationalize cancelling out the hurt, anger, and pain you feel. We can feel opposing and conflicting feelings at the same time without having to cancel any out. Our relationships with our parents are the most complex of our lives. To view them only as black and white does a disservice to our healing process.  If you cover up the hurt with gratitude, you’ll only get so far. Your healing will reach a ceiling. 

There’s almost always some good stuff about our parents. But those things aren’t our first stops on the path to healing. They aren’t what needs to be seen and heard first. There is room for all of it but don’t be afraid of the darkness in the tunnel. If you’re courageous enough to move through it, you will find the light at the end. 

Online Dating: Knowing You’re Enough

Online Dating: Knowing You’re Enough

It seems like it’s become harder and harder to date. Dating articles range from “why did they ghost me?” to “why are they all hot and cold?” These behaviours are all marvels that are becoming more common as a result of the online dating and app world.

In this day and age, not only do we have multiple options, we also have to search through those multiple profiles, go on multiple dates, have multiple chats and potential connections, and possibly go through multiple break-ups in order to get to be with someone (that is, if monogamy and serious relationships are your thing).

“Just thinking about all of this and typing it makes me exhausted!

So, how on earth can we make sense of this messy online dating and app scene? Think about the following, always with your own needs as your true compass:

  • What do I want when it comes to dating? Do you want something casual, to see how things develop, a serious relationship, marriage?
  • What do I want in a relationship? Would you be okay with long distance, for example?
  • What do I need from a partner? For example: kind, thoughtful, considerate, attentive, etc.
  • What are my boundaries? What behaviours am I not okay with?
  • What is my gut saying about what’s going on? If it doesn’t feel right, check it out. If it still doesn’t feel right, consider saying no to this relationship.

“At the end of the day, only you will know what works for you. By being your authentic self, others who appreciate who you really are will take notice. It’s more than enough to give.

If you have questions on how to further explore and understand your relationships, it can also be helpful to explore this with a therapist