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The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages

Here’s a quick story that might sound familiar:

Jordan and Asa are partners. This past week Jordan picked up Asa from the airport and then cooked up a nice dinner while Asa unpacked. Afterwards, Jordan ran out to do the groceries for the week to give Asa some space to settle in and relax. That night before bed, Asa complained to Jordan, “You barely showed me any affection! Did you even miss me at all?” Asa even questioned whether Jordan wanted to be in a relationship. Jordan felt confused and upset. Everything Jordan had done that day was meant to welcome Asa home. How did Asa not even notice?

What’s going on here? Does Jordan not really care for Asa? Does Asa have unreasonable expectations? What do you think? Do you relate more to Asa or Jordan here?

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book The 5 Love Languages, there are five different ways we can express love to a partner. But we don’t all communicate with the same languages equally. We typically develop our love language based on how our primary caregiver showed love to us as we grew up. From this we form a perception of what love looks like.

The 5 love languages are:

  1. Acts of service: Doing things for the other person.
  2. Physical touch: Showing affection.
  3. Quality time: Spending quality time with one another.
  4. Receiving gifts: Buying a thoughtful gift for the other person.
  5. Words of affirmation: Expressing terms of endearment.

If we look again at the story above, it seems Jordan’s way of welcoming Asa home was with acts of service, but Asa wanted affection and touch. For Jordan, doing something for a partner is a way of saying I love you. Chapman calls these kinds of actions, “bids of connection.” Asa perceives love through physical touch and affection, thus Jordan’s bids of connection went unnoticed. You could say Jordan and Asa are speaking different languages. What can they do about it?

Learning what love language your partner “speaks” can help to build connection because you’ll start to notice when your partner is showing their love. The next time Jordan does something for Asa, Asa could pay more attention to these gestures and recognize them as the way that Jordan shows love. Conversely, if you and your partner have different love languages it can be helpful to know in order to shift your behaviour to better fulfill your partners needs. For example, if we know our partner’s love language is physical touch, we can make an effort to hold our partner’s hand the next time we are walking down the street, or give them a hug when we arrive home.

As a helpful tool, you and your partner can take this love language quiz to find out each other’s love language.

How to Stay Grounded When You’re Feeling Anxious

How to Stay Grounded When You’re Feeling Anxious

Do you feel overwhelmed juggling school, work and personal life? Perhaps you’re in class and instead of listening, you’re thinking about all the tasks you need to get done for the day including finishing your assignment, studying for your exam, doing laundry, going grocery shopping or squeezing in time to talk to a friend. Do you ever have racing thoughts about how you’re going to get everything done? Think that it’s impossible to finish everything? You may stop paying attention in class, feel your heart beating faster and your palms getting sweaty. It can feel as though your world is closing in.

If you can relate to feeling stressed out about all the demands of life, you’re not alone!

Living in an up-pace society, we are often placed with multiple demands, which can easily make us feel overwhelmed. In turn, this can make it more difficult to be able to focus and concentrate, making getting everything we need to get done for the day that much harder.

Our minds are often racing between thinking about the past or the future. We rarely stop to be present in the moment. If we can begin to learn to center ourselves back to the here and now, we can reduce anxiety and increase concentration by putting the breaks on in our brain.

Here are 10 some simple, easy grounding techniques, which can help to reduce anxiety when we notice it creeping up.

  1. 5-4-3-2-1: Look around the room and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
  2. Box breathing: Picture a box in front of you. As you move up the side of the box, take a deep breath in for 4 seconds. Next as you move along the top of the box, hold your breath for 4 seconds. Then as you move down the other side of the box, breath out for 4 seconds, and finally as you run along the bottom of the box hold for 4 seconds. Repeat.
  3. Mindful eating: Take a raisin or other piece of food. Examine it. What does it look like? How does it smell? How does it feel? Slowly begin to chew it. How does it taste?
  4. Counting backward: You can do this several ways, my personal favourite is to count backwards by 7 starting from 100.
  5. Ice cube technique: Take an ice cube and move it along your arm. Notice the temperature, if it melts, how it feels, and what it looks like- again, tap into your 5 senses.
  6. Teddy bear technique (for children): Lie on your back and place a teddy bear on your belly. As you take deep breaths in and out, watch the teddy bear move up and down with each inhale and exhale.
  7. Progressive muscle relaxation: Start with your right hand in a relaxed state. Slowly begin to clench your hand. Notice the tension as you begin to do this, as you transition your hand from a relaxed state into a fist. Next, slowly begin unclenching your hand back into a relaxed state, again noticing the difference in tension. Repeat these steps with your left hand and then move along to other body parts such as your foot or leg.
  8. Naming colors: Name everything in the room that is blue. Now name everything in the room that is red. Now everything in the room that is yellow, etc.
  9. Mindful walking: As you walk, notice the weight of each foot on the ground and how your weight changes as you take each step. If you are outside, notice if it is sunny, hot, cold or rainy. If it’s sunny, notice how the sun feels on your skin. Notice if you can hear cars passing or birds chirping.
  10. Monitoring your heartbeat: Place your fingertips together from both of your hands. Notice your pulse in your fingertips and pay attention to the rhythm of your heartbeat.

How Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Works According to Neuroscience

How Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Works According to Neuroscience

What is cognitive behavioural therapy, anyway?
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) looks at the correlation between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

If we have a negative thought, it can then stimulate negative feelings, which in turn can stimulate a particular reaction. If we change our thinking patterns, we can in turn change how we feel and react. The first step is to notice negative thinking patterns (“cognitive distortions”) when they arise. From there, we can ask ourselves the question, is this thought a fact or a belief?

We often treat beliefs as facts, for example, the thought that no one will like us at the party, stimulating the reaction of not wanting to go. However, do we know with certainty that no one will like us at the party? If our thought is a fact then it can’t be changed since it’s 100% true, however if we can say our thought is a belief, then we can search for evidence for or against that thought in order to reconsolidate the thought into a more balance thought.

How long does it take before I begin to notice changes in my thinking patterns?
Each time a core belief gets activated, for example the thought of not being good enough, connections in our brain get strengthened.

As neuroscientists put it, “What fires together wires together.” So if we think a certain way for a long time, it is likely those connections in our brains have become hardwired.

Essentially, what we’re doing in psychotherapy is creating new connections in our brains. Then every time we notice a negative thinking pattern, when we challenge those thoughts we are paving the way to create new neurological pathways.

That being said, paving the way for new pathways in our brains takes time. Since old ways of thinking have been strengthened and hardwired, as we begin to create new connections, those connections are initially weak. If we think about playing a guitar, psychotherapy works in a similar fashion. When we first begin to learn the guitar, we need to spend time and effort placing our fingers on the cords. Over time, we become faster and faster at placing our fingers, since we get familiarized with where the cords are located. If we keep practicing, in time we no longer need to look at where to place our fingers. As they say, “What you practice grows stronger.”

In other words, we are strengthening those pathways in our brain, making them more automatic as we develop this skill. In the same way, as we learn different ways of thinking, we are strengthening those neurological connections every time they are activated and in turn weakening old connections the less they are utilized.

Can you still learn new ways of thinking as you age?
When it comes to learning new things, through neuroplasticity, children’s brains are seen to be the most able to change. We are all born with a surplus of neurons, thus depending on which pathways and connections we utilize, other neurons die off through the process called pruning. Thus, it can be easier for children to pave new pathways in their brains. That being said, throughout our lifespan, we regenerate new neurons through a process called neurogenesis.

The bottom line is that no matter what age we are, we can always learn new things and change our thinking patterns.

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